I am an outspoken person. Always had been, always will be. As my age adds with years, as I gained bits of maturity with each passing season, I learned to exercise it.
But sometimes, I slipped.
When it comes to the matters of the heart, I’m always the odd one out. I am the alien, they are the humans. It’s no secret I think love is despicable, that marriage is a pointless institution.
Over the years, these have not changed. I remain who I was. My views remain as they were. What has changed, is people’s acceptance.
To most people, being 20 is THE age. Every guy is seen as a potential husband, a father to her children in the future; every woman is seen as a potential wife, a mother who will borne and raise his children.
But being 20, all I see are immature teenagers, still too shallow to step into the real world. I see selfish people who couldn’t be bothered of the world except for themselves. They’re only high and mighty when it comes to feelings, when it concerns love.
So when someone with a slightly different view comes along, narrow glances are exchanged and bitter words are spoken.
In the past, these had never annoyed me. Just because I regarded matters from my own point of view, didn’t mean everyone should as well. For that, I respected them, I respected their feelings. When a friend needed a shoulder to lean on, or ears to listen, I did those impeccably. I did not form my judgements from those. I did not go around flaunting my opinions and persuading people in believing them.
You want to fall in love, be my guest. It’s your life.
But mine’s different.
From high school till here, I’ve been hearing the same things.
“Ko memang, ko hati batu.”
“Ko kan takde perasaan.”
“Ko tak macam ktorg. Tahu menghayati.”
Since when did LOVE become the sole thing categorised under feelings? What happened to happiness, sadness, empathy? What happened to anger and depressed?
Why do I need to cry to prove I’m sad? Since when was it written that one needs to do that? Those are all man-made rules. Those are their rules. They’re not mine.
Maybe what I seek in life is different. Maybe I will not feel content by sitting comfortably. Maybe I want more that what there is offered.
When the day comes that I do believe in love, I want to be strong enough to control it. I do not want to be the one controlled, restricted, bounded.
I want to be my own person.
But I am not waiting, not searching for it. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. If it’s not, it’s not. Life offers much more than the eyes could feast on, more that what the soul is capable of feeling.
More importantly, this life is temporary. Everything in it is temporary.
This existence of me, my thoughts, my will, will one day be gone. I am temporary.
A common dialogue:
“Dah jumpa bf ke kat situ?”
“Nope. Tak jumpa lagi tauke kilang karpet.”
KILANG KARPET OK. NOT PENJUAL KARPET.
“Hah? Knp nak cari tauke kilang karpet??”
“Coz my mum likes carpets.”
Padan muka. Siapa suruh tanya.