bucket list

 

 

What does one seek in life?

 

For me to list out the answers would take a total of only 3 days 🙂 See, I’m not that greedy ha ha ha.

 

All this while, I keep saying I’m content with what I have. That’s somewhat true.

 

Only that day, I realised I’ve woken up roughly 7395 times to the same sun and yet, and yet there wasn’t much I could say about my life.

I realised I’ve been walking towards death for 20 years and yet today, I’m still not prepared for it.

 

What does that make me?

 

For the past one year, I’ve been rooting to the same spot. Too afraid to take a step forward, too afraid to leave what’s behind. I was scared of having to choose. I was scared of leaving everything I’ve been accustomed to since the day I was born.

 

I did not feel ready to take on the commitment. I did not feel ready to make that change. The leap was too big for me to make.

 

Tapi, sampai bila? Those 3 words were my exact thought.

 

Until when will I choose to be ignorant? When all this while, the obvious answer is A but I keep on circling B. Does that not make me foolish? What is the point of knowing but not acknowledging?

 

What is the point of praying when you do not know what you’re saying?

What is the point of versing the Quran but you continue defying His laws?

 

I’m living by holding on a broken pillar. The moment the pillar breaks, so will I.

 

 

“Alah, tak aci. Dia sekolah agama. Of course lah tahu semua benda.”

 

 

I could use that as my excuse. But what does it matter where one receives his/her education? She’s a Muslim. I’m a Muslim. Our responsibilities are equal. Our struggles should amount the same. There is no exception, sekolah agama or no sekolah agama.

 

When I couldn’t understand the lectures, I take extra efforts. I go to the library, I discussed with my friends, I googled it on the net. When it comes to religious matters, I…..sit still.

 

Some could say that’s human nature. Lumrah manusia. Nowadays, I found that more of an excuse than a concrete reason.

 

 

“Ilek ah. Dah memang lumrah manusia.”

 

 

If we chose not to eat and drink, we die. But we choose to do so to continue living. We make the choices, we control our needs and desires (parasympathetic controls aside). Those are in our nature but it all comes back to our decisions. How much do I want it, how far am I prepared to go?

 

For me, it means shutting down my blog.

 

 

 

HAHAHAHAHA KENA TIPU. No la, my blog would remain as it is. It will remain provocative, feminism and outspoken. And *coughs* full of complains *coughs* and bragging. Just minus the cursing ^_^

 

For every word that might have hurt anyone, I apologise. I have no intention to do so – ok lah, menipu lagi. There are some posts intended for that purpose. Just, you know, not every post. Especially not for people who has nothing to do with my life.

 

Pendek kata, I apologise. Full stop.

 

 

I am not being religious. Or tiba-tiba buang tabiat. But I feel that in the midst of a feast, I am starving. And that is not what I want.

 

Changing is no longer just another process in life. Like others, it is a commitment in need to be fulfilled. I’ve seen people who attempted to run but fell instead. And I’ve seen those who walked slowly, a step at a time until they reached the end. I, like them, have no desire to rush. There are still so many things I need to learn and bit by bit, I intend to do them right, insyaAllah.

 

Nowadays, I feel a life without havocs and unruliness are truly endearing. Maybe the totality of what I was seeking before is what I have now;  a new understanding of having to change the pattern of my life.

 

And the pattern of who I am.

 

Wallahualam.

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