I never thought I would witness a scene straight out of  Mean Girls in real life. Ok, maybe not to that extent but close. Really close.

 

I wish I could say I don’t understand the way girls act but well it’d be a lie to say that. I do. Or I used to in the first 17 years of my life. Ever since I entered IMS though, I couldn’t anymore. Maybe I’ve matured *coughs* or maybe I’ve come to accept there are bigger things in life  more worthy to contemplate on (ok, you guys need to agree that I’ve matured in some ways).

 

If you give me a choice to blend into a room full of people

a) I know

b) I don’t know

 

I would choose the latter. I prefer mingling with those I don’t know rather than dealing with those who know me. Because strangers come with choices. I could choose to be someone entirely different and start anew.  I could choose to let them know who I really am when I’ve come to trust them. Or preferably not at all.

 

But the real beauty is that with those who aren’t my friends, I don’t have to act. I can be myself. Because to me, these people are not important. They certainly won’t leave any footsteps in my life. They come and they go. With these people, I can be straightforward. I tend to be honest. And this is when I tend to forget that they too, have feelings. But what the heck, I just don’t care. They could hate me, they could talk behind my back and still I couldn’t find it in me to feel hurt. They are nobodies. And I’m nobody to them. So rightfully, no feelings should be wasted.

 

With my friends, it’s a different case. Because I care for them, I have to play my cards right. I have to move the chess pieces as planned. There are some things I can say, some things I know well to keep to myself. Over this past one year though, friendships, I realised, have become more complicated.

 

I learned that friends could treat their friends like crap. I learned that friends too, come and go…like yoyo. I learned that friends could fight over really petty things. I learned that friends stabbed each other on the back. I learned that as much as I could trust them, I couldn’t at the same time.I feel I don’t know them that well anymore.

 

Because I’m usually an out spoken person, I dislike talking behind my friends’ back. Because I’m usually honest, I don’t feel comfortable being plastic. There are so many wrongs in those that I couldn’t find anything right. I have no problem being mean, being a bitch- to strangers. To people I view as wallpaper. But to them I seek for advices? Them whom I thought would stick together under any circumstances?

 

It’s just weird. When one person confided in me, it’s masuk telinga kanan keluar telinga kiri. When the other person confided in me as well, I do the same. Who am I to judge? I don’t really know what’s going on. And as much as I love them, I’m not gonna just take their words for it. My judgment is ,well, no judgment.

 

I don’t understand why people (girls to be specific) couldn’t sit down and talk things over. Why be emotional and let it get worse? That’s just nasty.

 

All these, that I come to question the honesty in friendship.

 

A friend once said, “If I knew things were gonna be like this, then it’s better not to have friends in the first place.”

 

I used to think that too. About everything.

If I knew I were gonna fall, why would I bother climbing?

If I knew I’d get hurt, why even bother trying?

 

But then, over time, I feel it’s worth it. For every person who’d stopped by in my life, every single people I’d gotten the chance to know, I feel it’s worth it. Because he/she had made me smile at least once. And to me, that’s more than what I could have asked for. To be on cloud nine and to feel crushed the next. They balanced out my life.

 

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