There is only one thing I am most possessive over.
To still possess the present and the future.
But if I were asked to trade it for my parents’ happiness, I would. I live for God, I live for my parents. And I live lastly for myself.
Because I know even if the whole world stood against me, my parents are the two sole people who would still believe in me. They are the two people I could always rely on when others failed me. In every step I take, in everything I’ve achieved, those are rightfully theirs. Their trust means everything to me. To loss that hurts.
All I ask is for them to understand. All I ask is for them not to doubt me.
I might seem carefree. I might blog about all my outings and none about my studies. But I never once forget my priorities. Maybe I should have read more, studied more, pushed myself harder but I’ve done what I could.
Compared to other courses, 3 subjects might seem little, might appear easy. But it’s not. I am not making excuses but I could only memorise as much, my brain could only store that much and my body has its limits. Overtime, I get sick of memorising, it makes me crave for English and Math. I don’t think anyone other than medicine students could understand the burdens.
When I did badly in a paper, the first thing that crossed my mind would be, “How do I tell my parents this?”
I am afraid to hear the hopes in their voices. I am afraid of letting them down more than anything else. I am afraid of betraying the trust they had given me.
I am always afraid that sometimes it feels like a burden. Sometimes I feel its hard to live up to my parents’ expectations. It’s hard having to always compete and being compared.
I am trying. To be accused otherwise behind my back by those I thought would know me better than anyone else stings. It hurts.
Why is having fun is considered as having too much fun? Why must every minute I spend doing something else should be used to study instead? I could not do that. I could not sit for 6 papers and not vent out. Should I start reporting the days I spend at the library from now on? Probably that would make people think, “Oh. Look. She studies. Wow.”
Come to India, take my course, adapt to my routine and sit for the tests. Maybe you could do better. Because I’ve given my best and this is all I have.
This is all I have.