Ok people. Stop asking the how-come-you-don’t-like-anyone question. I’m sick of it.
To me, there’s more to life than love.
Love holds a high value yet it could stoop as low. I live by that philosophy. It ain’t what makes my world revolves. If I were to choose between love and money, I would probably go for money. That makes me a heartless materialistic girl isn’t it?
It isn’t that I don’t believe in love. I do. I’m not ignorant enough not to admit that. But above it all, it is something that could hurt deeper than the happiness it brings. That makes people smile before they eventually cry. It stabs you from behind when you eventually let your guards down. It builds and it crushes.
It’s no surprise I learned to dislike love.
If there’s one thing I hate, it’s being weak. Being emotionally dependent, having my heart attached to a string, I detest those. If I were to cry, I would rather it be because of me. If I were to laugh, I would rather know when it will end. I would rather have no ending than a hopeless happy ending. Because I only have one life, because I only have one shot at this world, I don’t want to have to share it with anyone else. I don’t want people to determine anything for me. Let me control my own life and everything in it. Hands off everyone.
To be honest, I don’t think I’m capable of loving anyone 🙂 Beyond my circle of family and friends, I cannot spare the feelings for anyone else. I have nothing to give. Receiving makes me feel indebted; I don’t like owing anyone anything. If anything, it’s another burden that weighs me down. And I happen to be straight-forward. When I hate, I say it (bawak la I gi shopping. I’m very helpful!). I wouldn’t bother putting on a kind face. That’s not my way. I would just end up hurting people.
And yes, I’m scared of being hurt. It’s the only risk I’m not willing to take in life. We are fragile beings no matter how tough we seem to act. Even the most content people couldn’t escape that. I learned that a heart is meant to be broken. That’s one of the things someone must experienced in life in order to be matured, to learn. To grow up. It’s necessary. But you know what, I don’t have the time to nurse a broken heart 🙂
If those make me a fool, if those proved how much of a coward I am, then I am a cowardly fool.
Love is great. But it’s just not for me 🙂
But but but, of course, I’m also a flexible person. If I ever met a guy who:
- Is a multi-millionaire
- Keeps a mistress overseas or anywhere far from where I’m living and could keep him occupied enough
- Ignores me as his wife
- Only comes home 3 days in a week or preferably less
- Writes in his will that when he died, all his worldly possession will be handed to me
I’ll come running faster than neurons send impulses.
Maybe I’ll change one day, maybe I won’t. Who knows. For now, love is still under the great file of “A Waste Of Emotion”.
P.S: Mum and Dad, you don’t have to worry, I’m planning to adopt. There are so many family-less children in this world.