I constantly heard the bitter grumbles how things have changed here. India seems to reveal different sides of us. Or is it IMS?

I don’t think I like it.

I don’t have any problem with the girls-next-door-turned-bitches, the vain nobodies or the attention seekers. I couldn’t care any less what they do, how they act, what they think etc.

It’s seriously none of my business. People changing has no effect on me.

It’s me changing that I’m concerned about. It’s like watching a video on metamorphosis; I see an egg changes into a larva, pupa and then it becomes a butterfly. The butterfly will then produce eggs and the same process repeats over and over again. I see myself. Not that I feel I’m comparable to a butterfly or anything..it’s just that

 

complete_metamorphosis

 

Gosh, will it never stop?

Will I not stop changing?

No matter how mature I think I  am, I know I could be more mature. No matter how hardworking I am, I know I could give more.

 

Why is it always more? Why can’t I just be…that? The me now?

 

Why do I have to change? I don’t want to change. Not all changes are bad, not all changes are good either. What about the intermediate changes? Changes that are neither good nor bad?

 

After I’ve completed foundation, I felt this rare satisfaction. Because with every subject I took, I had an aim. With every leisure time I spend studying, I had these 2 people etched in my mind. Why did I need to score? Why did I have to know? Why this, why that. I had the answers.

I wanted to take medicine. And I remembered what my parents had done and would do for me just so I could achieve that.

Those were enough reasons for me.

Even if I failed to achieve what I aimed for, I couldn’t care less. I knew I’d given my best and the rest was determined by Allah. He knew what’s best for me.

 

When I made the decision to change the way I dress, I felt good, safe. I felt I understood my religion better. I felt I’ve found myself. That the void in my life has been filled. Like I’ve found what I’ve been searching for all this while.

 

Faham tak?? >> (a habit I got from Effa)

 

If you people tak faham pun nevermind.

 

It’s just that, I don’t have the burning desire anymore. I’ve changed in that sense. I couldn’t express myself the way I used to before I came here. Read my posts BEFORE and AFTER India and you’ll notice the difference. My blog is so dead now. Because I couldn’t – I don’t know what to write, the way to define some things. It’s like when I’ve reached this phase of my life, I lost a part of the old one.

 

I feel tired of only accepting things. I NEED TO UNDERSTAND. I NEED TO KNOW.

 

It’s like….like your mum telling you that veggies are good for you. She could state 100 reasons why they’re good. She could show you the charts and the benefits of them. You know but it still doesn’t register in your head because even when you don’t eat veggies, you’re completely healthy.

 

I need answers and I need them quick.

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