At last, I feel it’s safe to post this because my parents will be in KL and Kuantan for at least a week and by the time they come back, I’ll have posted other stuff that they won’t even bother to read this. At least, I hope so.
I arrived in Bangalore, India at midnight on the 22nd October 2008. I didn’t feel anything by leaving. Not sad nor excited.
The first change of emotion I felt was when I stepped inside the apartment I was placed at. Even in the darkness, I could see the row of books and books lining neatly on the study desks. Instantly, I was gripped with fear.
At that moment, I found myself asking all the wrong questions.
Did I make the right decision? Is this what I really want? Could I make this work?
I couldn’t say I was prepared for all this. I felt as if I’d taken the wrong step.
My first week was a blur. Everyone seemed to know everything and I seemed to know….well, nothing. Plainly nothing.
I never felt more stupid.
As the weeks passed, and as there’s more to learn, I found myself lost in between; the fear of losing and the determination to fight.
Not many people know that I never wanted to take medicine. Maybe this came as a shock considering how passionate I sounded in my previous posts.
Now you know. Life is full of suprises isn’t it? 🙂
I never wanted to be a doctor. Quoting my mum’s words when I got the offer letter:
“I’m suprised. You never showed any interest in being a doctor.”
Because I knew, how hard it would be. Taking medicine is a never ending journey of learning. Medicine would be one’s life. That wasn’t an option I was willing to consider. I wanted an easy life.
When form 5 ended, I still couldn’t decide. I still didn’t know. I wished I was one of those people who’d been saying she wanted to be a doctor ever since she’s a kid. But no, I wanted to be an accountant, a lawyer, a geologist, a psychologist. I wanted to open a bakery. I wanted to work in advertising.
I asked a friend once:
“Could you picture me in a long white coat doing rounds in the hospital?”
I knew I had to choose. I just didn’t know what.
When I made the decision to do Foundation, my aim was only to get good results. That’s it, no more.
As hard as it is to believe, I somehow fell into doing medicine. Since I didn’t know what to be and since I felt ashamed of myself for wanting an easy way out, I decided to go for the hardest thing there’s to achieve. I wanted to see how far I could go and what I could reach in life.
It was then when I realised the importance of going for the things you need to do instead of what you want.
I wanted to do business but I knew I shouldn’t. I didn’t want to do medicine but I knew it’s what I should take.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but sometimes you just know what you have to do. You would know your priorities.
When the time comes, one has to decide and be willing to commit.
You must be wondering, why is she saying all these things?
Because I was afraid and I still am.
Because the doubts are still nagging in my head.
Because I am trying to convince myself that I’ve made the right decision.
Even if hell freezes over, I refuse to give up.
This is the path I’ve decided on.