Zaza said I was ‘warak’ *eyebrows arched*- the highest level as a Muslim, according to her. So I asked, what did religion mean to her. She paused for a while before answering, religion’s just something to believe in. I fell silence. Islam isn’t just something to believe in. Religion isn’t something just to believe in. It’s ad din; the way of life. Preach what we’re taught. That’s what differentiates us from the others. Otherwise, A Buddhist could be a Christian. A Christian could be a Muslim. In the end, they’re just names. I don’t think a lot of people would agree to that.
It’s raining again. It’s been raining everynight lately. Sometimes, I couldn’t help but think. Couldn’t help but wonder. Couldn’t help but ask. Up to now, I’m still doing all those. It’s hard when questions are asked. I don’t know what to answer. They wouldn’t believe me anyway. Nobody ever did. But well, everyone’s different right? And right now, smiling is a lot easier than answering. Being secretive, isn’t who I want to be. Here, I’m starting new. Fresh as a leaf, crisp as a chip. I don’t have the answer to everything, much as I want to. The past, the present, the future. They’re all equally important. Without one of those, I’d fall. And if that happens, I’m not sure I could get up once more. I’m not sure I would want to.
Sometimes I wish, I could lie down under a big tree. Without having these thoughts in me. Yet sometimes I wish, I could let it all out. For once and for all, and never look back. I intended to do that. People made it look so easy. But it’s not. I still do. But what’s there in the past?
I try not to question myself anymore. I have to believe in everything I do. Even if the path’s there, I wouldn’t want to go back. I wouldn’t want to choose something else. I wouldn’t want everything to be different. Everything’s fine the way it is. Only, am I fine with it? Doesn’t matter. As long as I can still laugh. As long as I can still smile. As long as I can still hope. Fear of hopes being crushed. Fear in believing. Those were in the past. They might come true, they might not. It could rain everyday for all I care. Because you know what? I know the sun will be there tomorrow. Always.