Some thought I left because I couldn’t stand it there, which was partly true. But not entirely. Some thought I left because Rina had left, which was pure bullshit. What people had in their minds, I couldn’t be bothered to correct their perceptions. I don’t have to explain myself to the world, much less to them. What’s important, is that I know where I’m heading towards. What’s important, is that my family and friends fully support me in taking the next step.
KUTPM. A scholarship to do foundation in Medical Science.
Thanks to Effa, the whole world has probably know this by now 😛
That was the real reason I left. That was what I couldn’t bother to explain. Even so, like every other time, I couldn’t help wondering whether I’d taken the right step. Whether this road, was the road I wanted to go on. And where it would lead me to. I couldn’t help feeling scared that I might not be able to meet up to people’s expectations. Scared that I might let my parents down again. Scared that I might not have the capabilities after all. There was a point when I almost gave up. There was a point when I felt so worthless. That maybe, I didn’t deserve to live. That was the mistake I almost made. Giving up on life, when it’s the only precious thing I still had. I forgot life was a gift itself.
I’ve fallen a couple of times this year alone. Each fall hurt. Each fall diminished everything I’d believed in. Each fall convinced me living was futile. Up to the point where I felt I couldn’t get up anymore. I couldn’t muster the courage to fight because each time, I kept losing. Maybe, everything was destined to be. That was the moment when I didn’t know myself at all. Who was I? The words I’d spoken sounded like they were someone else’s. My determination, my stubborness. The light of the candle had been snuffed out. Everything wasn’t there anymore. Not knowing who you were, that’s what so hard.
But then dad told me if I wanted to give up, then I should have done that a long time ago. Before I chose this path, before I went through the hardships. It wasn’t easy for me to figure out what I wanted out of life, and when I did, I shouldn’t let it go. That was the choice I made, and I should hold on to it no matter what. Dad was right. There’s no turning back now.
The truth is, I’m scared of growing up. It’s painful. I’m scared of having to leave home and live alone. I’m scared without my parents with me. Deep down, I’m still a child.
All those- my fears, screw them. A life live in fears is a half-life. After all, I’m not alone in being alone aren’t I? All of us are learning to be alone so we’ll never be lonely. I’m through with playing safe. I’m sick of worrying. From now on, I’m going to live.
I find the great thing in this world is, not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.
(Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe, 1749-1832)