I am broken. Inside and out, it shows. Beyond mending. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what I should do. Of the things I’ve said, but I couldn’t do. I couldn’t accomplish them. I’ve lost it. What I fear the most, I lost it. I would never be able to retrieve it back. I lost. I lost to life. I lost to myself.
But I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t pretend things are okay. I couldn’t bring myself to smile. I couldn’t continue acting. I couldn’t lie to anyone anymore. That I’m brave. That I could face it. Because I’m not. Because I couldn’t. I feel I couldn’t continue living anymore. I couldn’t see anything ahead of me. For once, I’m at lost.
I couldn’t remember the last time I really laughed. I couldn’t remember being happy. A minute. Let me be happy without any worry. Let me laugh as if there’s no tomorrow. Till my stomach hurts, till tears run down my face. Just a minute. That’s all I ask.
But it’s not possible.
If I were to be granted one wish, I wanted to start this year all over again. Back to January. Back to when all the decisions weren’t made. Back to when I still believed in myself. Back to when I still knew who I was.
Let me be a shell. Let me be a human without any feeling. Because I don’t want to feel anything ever again. I couldn’t take anything anymore. As the days passed, I became more fragile. It was when I slept, and I prayed I wouldn’t have to wake up the next morning. It was when I was almost hit by a car, and Rina pulled me back, and I wished she didn’t. I wished she would let the car hit me. But debts. Remembering I still have debts with God, remembering I still owed my parents, I lived. That’s what I told myself. I couldn’t give up on life, whatever happens. I couldn’t.
Everything I’ve said, I blew it. I couldn’t do it. I failed.
I’m going to start things all over again. No matter how long it’ll take, how hard. That’s all that’s left. And for that, I must continue fighting. Fight for what I want.
Mum and Dad,
I’m sorry. I really am.