I feel cold. And yet, I winced when I saw the sun glaring outside. Then the warmth started to spread. Just for a second before it’s gone again. It wouldn’t stay. A coldness no sun could ever reach. I want to cry. But the tears wouldn’t flow no matter how hard I try. I want to give in to the pain. Once and for all and get over it. So I can move on. So I can forgive and maybe, forget. I don’t want to remember. I don’t want anything. Is there pain? There wasn’t in the first place. Is it possible to curl up on the bed and sleep and never wake up? I want that. I hate waiting. Very much. To the core of my being. But that’s what I’m doing. A waiting that has no ending in sight. Waking up to moments I’m not sure I’m experiencing. 5 years ago, the incident happened. And 5 years later, I’m suddenly being reminded by it. Something I swore I’d never do ever again. I remembered the feeling. The feeling when you knew your problems were solved. The feeling when you felt nothing could hurt you. A feeling of relieved, because the pain was ending. And the amazing thing was you did it all by yourself, without anyone’s help.
I love clouds. Admiring their marshmallow-likeness. Wondering what’s behind them. And how do they feel if they’re in my grasp. No matter where I go, no matter where I end up, the clouds are always there. They will always be there. Night and day. They would never leave me. But clouds are just like some of my dreams. Something that I can reach. But never hold. That sometimes I questioned their purpose. They couldn’t shield the hot. Nor could they protect me from the rain. Not all the time. I could still feel the heat, could still feel the icy coldness. I want to believe the clouds belong to me. But then, the clouds aren’t mine. Everyone owns them.
Every cloud has a silver lining. That when I look up at them, I’m reminded of my purposes in life. Of things that happened in it. Things that I need to do. No matter if it’s sunny, or even if it rains, my clouds are there. Just being there. Just like us in this world. We don’t need any purpose to live, no matter how empty we feel it is. Because we’re already living it. A life to live to it’s fullest.
Take a photograph, it’ll be the last
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here
I don’t have a past, I just have a chance
Not a family or honest plea remains to say
Rain rain go away, come again another day
All the world is waiting for the sun