If I were given the CHANCE, would I go through everything again?
The boredom I’d felt during school in nearly every subject. The burden of having to carry out my duties. The tiredness of having to go to tuition nearly everyday. The stress during exams. The difficulties on deciding whether to go to ko-op or canteen. Walking around the school without any purpose, peeking to see if the teacher was already on her or his way to class. Tears and smiles.
I want to remember all those.
Yet, even now. Even when I try hard not to forget, I couldn’t remember. I forgot how it feels walking to the lab. I forgot how humid it was in the class. I’ve forgotten the feelings. Just pictures and colours. Most people have moved on. And I want to as well. But sometimes, I feel like I’m still holding on to the past. Living in my memories. One of the things I LIKE about ns, is because it makes me feel safe. As long as I’m there, I don’t have to deal with the real world. I don’t have to worry about MY RESULTS, MY FUTURE, MY LIFE. Even after all this while, I’m still scared. Scared of taking risks, scared of being let down. For in everything I put my faith in, the flaw is still there.
The harder I try hiding my feelings, the harder everything seems to be. But no matter what, I find it hard to share. All this while, I’ve been too dependent on things. When my friends expected me not to cry in ns, I did. When I thought the adjustment period would only take a week, it took two. When before this, I never thought of the past, now it lingers in my mind every single day. And those suck.
But now, it’s time to let go. Cherish the old memories. And never be too afraid to build new ones. Hard, and yet? That’s what I must do. Because all this while, there’s one thing I’ve LOST. And I must find it again. My own strength.