The bottom isn’t that hard

Kan I dah cakap.

 

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I failed biochemistry. I bloody failed biochem *smashes head against the wall*

 

I kindda expected it. Yet when the dean told me I had to bring biochemistry books home, I felt crushed. For a minute I was stunned. Speechless. And then I started to cry. It’s as if the sky had crashed on me. I couldn’t bring myself to accept it.

 

I know 70% of us failed, but somehow, somehow I’d hoped I was among the 30% of those who passed. How do you pick up the phone and tell your parents you’d failed?

 

I did try. I know I did try and that’s what’s so disappointing. The fact that I’d tried but I still failed. It’s as if one whole year of hard work had turned into dust. It’s as if all I’ve learned is worthless.

 

There could be so many ifs, so many maybes. There are so many things I could blame for my failure. But in the end I’m disappointed the most with myself. I shouldn’t have let myself failed. I shouldn’t have let myself hurt my parents.

 

In the end I only have myself to blame.

 

But those who know me know that I don’t feel depressed for long. It’s a waste of life.

 

After that minutes turned to hours, after my fat wallet became thin, after my bare hands became full with plastic bags, I felt better. It’s not the end of the world. Come to think of it, it’s not that bad. I mean, yeah, I was planning to go home after I’d passed my first year. I certainly did not plan on spending my holidays studying.

 

It could have been much worse. I could have failed Anatomy. Now that would be a nightmare. Had that happened, I would certainly jump into the sea. That is if I could find one nearby. To repeat Anatomy. Is. Hell. Brainheadneckupperlimblowerlimbthoraxabdomenembryologyhistologyosteology geneticsgeneralanatomy. Mampus. The books alone would have weighted 20 kg.

 

And I know a lot of people have to repeat both anatomy and biochemistry.

 

At least I can say alhamdulillah, I passed Anatomy and Physiology. But I failed biochem dammit. Allah knows what’s best for me ^_^

 

All this while I’ve been on top that when I actually fell to the bottom, it hurts badly. But this is medicine. This is life. And failing, is a necessary experience. I’ll take it as a lesson. I’ll take it as a challenge. What happened, happened. There’s no turning back. There’s no point in sighing. All I can do is look forward. I have 6 weeks to study for the supplementary exam. 6 weeks should be more than enough. And buku biochem tak berat

 

Mum and Dad, I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry. But I promise I’ll work harder this time.

 

I will not loss to biochem again. Mati hidup balik pun I’ll make sure I passed. So Satyarana, whether you want it or not, you’re coming home with me

 

 

On the bright side:

 

 

At least now I could use my Anatomy record book as a base to put my laptop on top of the comforter permanently wahahahaha.

Between

So the names of those who have to sit for VIVA were announced yesterday. And mine wasn’t among them.

 

It could mean I passed.

It could also mean I failed.

 

I know I screwed Paper 2 Biochemistry the other day. It was, after all, the only paper that succeeded in making me cry. Biochem sungguh hebat.

 

Honestly, I’m scared. What if I failed? Then I have to bring my books home. And I have to revise during hols. And then I’ve to sit for supplementary exam after coming back here. And then what if I failed that too? I’ll have to mingle with the juniors

 

ARGH. SAYA TIDAK MAHU.

 

Rumours have been going around that 40 students have to sit for viva, 40 students passed and 80, let me repeat that, EIGHTY students failed for biochem. So what’s the possibility of me passing??

 

Now I envy those who are going to sit for viva. I mean, at least they know they’ll pass.

 

Ah but I don’t care I want to be positive jugak. As long as the results are not definite and as long as I can still say my prayers.

But I’m still going to bring biochem notes back to Malaysia.

 

Now I feel the seniors and super seniors are brilliant because they’ve passed their first year smoothly. Unlike me.

 

……..

 

Ok. I don’t want to talk about that anymore.

 

Malaysia is only 3 days away! And I couldn’t care less because I’m too worried about my results.

 

 

Eh change topic.

 

 

So Malaysia is 3 days away and I haven’t done any shopping yet. Mak suruh beli barang ok (blaming my mum ). I also haven’t gotten my renewed residential permit. And results are going to be announced next week and I won’t be here because I’m going back early so I wouldn’t know which books I should bring home.

 

 

This changing of topic is not working. I’m going to mourn now *suffocates myself with the pillow*

Nur Kasih

There is this one syndrome of my batch which I termed as “Sindrom Budak MARA”.

 

When one person buys crocs, within the next 2 days, crocs in every colour could be spotted. When one person wears braces, more than 10 people could be seen wearing braces in the same month. When one person went to Wonder La, the rest went too.

 

This time, it’s the drama series Nur Kasih.

 

 

“You should watch it. Serious, jalan cerita dia lain dari yang lain.”

“Aku yang tak tengok cerita melayu ni pun boleh sangkut dengan cerita tu.”

 

No thank you.

 

I’ve tried watching an episode and I lasted for about 2 minutes. The sight of the women sobbing next to the baby cot and the thick make-up the actresses had on were enough to make me lost my interest.

 

I was brought up to dislike Malay dramas, Malay movies, Malay songs. My mum used to discriminate all those when I was small. She refused to buy us Malay CDs and books. When I grew up, naturally, I became skeptical.

 

I hate Malay dramas and movies because I’m Malay. I know Malays aren’t what they portray in the movies. I know the actors and actresses are not all that in reality. I know Malays don’t speak that way. And Malays definitely don’t use that much make-up in their everyday life.

 

I remember a couple of years ago I happened to watch this one Malay movie and I was appalled to see that she had her make-up on flawlessly even when she’s on her death bed. Dah nak mati tapi bulu mata melentik habis!

 

Why would I want to watch something I know is fake?

 

Cerita melayu is still cerita melayu regardless of the storyline. If it sucks, I say it sucks. If one day I happened to come across a good Malay movie, I’ll say it’s good.

 

Maybe that’s why I don’t have any problem watching Japanese series. Or Korean. Or Chinese. Because I don’t know. Even if it’s not true, how would I know? And if I don’t know, how could I pass on my judgement?

 

But I do know 99.72% of Malay movies suck. Even Nur Kasih.

 

I might not watch it but I do know how the story goes. How could I not when my friends kept promoting it to me? Bersungguh-sungguh Mimi bercerita. Even if I know the message it’s trying to convey, there are certain aspects I dislike. And this dislike of mine outweighs everything.

 

A friend said to me, “You can’t expect much. All cerita melayu are like that. Nur Kasih is considered ok.“

 

The highest among the lowest quality is not what I would say ok.

 

I’m not a producer. Or a director. Or a script writer. What would I know about anything right?

 

But seriously, kurangkan make-up boleh?

Inner Self

Ramadhan is different this year.

 

Not being in Malaysia, partly. Not having any Bazaar Ramadhan tomorrow, well, partly. Having to help in preparing juadah berbuka everyday…now that is what is so different.

 

Just kidding

 

It’s different because alhamdullilah, tonight was the first time I did solat tarawikh berjemaah. Seriously. Even though the mosque is less than 5 minutes away from home, I never went there for solat tarawikh. Home. Why do I have to mention home?

 

Anyway, it was comforting. It was nice. And yeah, it was even fun. Ok. I don’t have the right adjectives to describe it but you guys probably know the feeling better than I do.

 

It was also the first time I’ve ever heard of the term moreh. Morekh. Having light snacks after praying. That one.

 

According to them we also have to qada’ (replace) one day of fasting since Ramadhan starts a day later here compared to Malaysia. So since we’re already going back next week, we’ll be fasting for only 28 days as opposed to the usual 29 or 30 days. That’s the significance of having to qada’ puasa. I don’t know why but India is always a day late in everything.

 

And alhamdulillah, Ramadhan falls on the days after we’re done with final exams. And a week before going back for holidays. Couldn’t ask for a better timing. And good thing that waktu berbuka here is similar to Miri’s (although technically it’s 2.5 hours later).  

 

A lot of firsts, but I’m already happy with the starting of my Ramadhan

 

Ok, resolutions resolutions.

 

I know this is last Ramadhan’s resolution- waking up for sahur-  but somehow I didn’t manage to fulfill it *coughs* REM sleep ok. Very hard to wake up. But insyaAllah, I am going to nail that this year. Kalau tak bangun jugak, you guys have my permission to simbah air milo. Um, air milo sejuk ok. Not hot milo.

 

And a couple of personal goals I have to achieve. No need to mention them here I guess.

 

For me, this year’s will involve a lot of learning. Time to remember what I have forgotten. It’s time to regain what I’ve lost.

 

So yeah, I hope you guys will enjoy your Ramadhan.

 

Yo. Selamat Berpuasa

 

Short note: By far my favourite article of Ustaz Hasrizal’s since I could relate and could finally understand. Seriously, since I said you should read it, then it means you should read it.

                  Pemikiran Skeptik Yang Menyakitkan Umat

                   http://saifulislam.com/?p=6537#more-6537

 

 

Who could fall down and bruised her knee while putting on her jeans? Me of course. This sucks.

Nisa Muka Tembok

Kak Sha and the whole crew suprised me at 12 am last night. Ok la, I wasn’t suprised. I did expect them to come   They sang "Happy Birthday" at the top of their lungs and gave me a basket of flowers.

 

And so I thought that’s it. Seriously.

 

I spend most of the time on the 19th of August (ehem) sleeping and feeling depressed. I was anxious about my results. It was like having boulders on my shoulder. I couldn’t even picture going back to Malaysia even though it’s just next week.

 

And then my mum called.

 

"So what did you do today?"

"Sleep."

"You didn’t go out?"

"No."

"Why does it sound so quiet?"

"All my housemates went out."

"Why didn’t you join them?"

"Not in the mood."

"Did anyone buy you any cake?"

"Nope."

"Oh, nevermind. Go out and buy yourself one then." because it’s tradition at home to have a cake even though I don’t like cakes that much.

 

When she called again later that night, I whined.

 

"Mum, no one celebrated my birthday "

"And all this while you were so busy celebrating theirs."

 

NOT HELPING, MOTHER.

 

So kesian right.

 

Later that night I was hanging out at Mimi’s house when she said,

 

"Nisa, I nak tengok kucing."

"Eh, tengok la. Dia kat rumah A’in."

"I tekan-tekan loceng takde orang kat rumah."

"Eh, ramai lah. Ada usrah kat situ malam ni. Jom."

 

And then I rang the doorbell. And the door opened. And instead of seeing people in telekung sitting around…….

 

NISA GEMOOK with double OOs =_=

 

I stood there gaping. I SERIOUSLY DIDN’T SEE IT COMING.

 

And then I went inside the house…

 

 

And gaped some more. WHEN DID THEY PREPARE ALL THOSE FOOD? Ain’s house and our house are practically a house because we went to and fro like 10 times a day. We even duplicated each other’s house key.

 

So how come I didn’t notice anything when I’ve been there like 3 times yesterday??

 

 

I saw these when I went to their house that afternoon and I even said, "Rajin nya Helwa buat roti jala untuk usrah."

 

A’in tipu!!

 

They even grilled the chicken on the stove *sobs*

 

 

 

And Syaza said, "Now you can call your mum and tell her we celebrated your birthday k."

 

 

No wonder Aida went to City Supermarket 3 times.

No wonder one of my Ipanema flip flops went missing (A’in nak sukat size kaki so she culik my slipper)

No wonder my housemates were missing the whole day (they went cooking at someone else’s house)

No wonder Syaza wasn’t sympathetic with me when I complained to her

 

I am so blur =_=

 

 

And I love each and one of your guys’ gifts!!

 

I love the flowers (even though I don’t really like flowers). Effaaaa, I love the jewellery box. And…fine, I bought those books for myself.

 

 

I solemnly swear A’in that I won’t wear the flip flops as slipper rumah or slipper tandas.

 

 

I super-super love the dress. I was eyeing it months ago but it was Rs 4000 ++ so I decided not to buy it. Mimi, Kak Sha, Syaza, Deeba and whoever else, thank you!!

 

 

Personally from Mimi and Deeba. "Nisa suka makan roti kan?" Haha. These are so thoughtful I didn’t even know a bakery exists in Bangalore.

 

 

 

And erm…like I said. I’m straightforward. So I’ve been demanding (yes, demand. Hint-hint tak main ok) a lot of things from my housemates even weeks before my birthday. Like…

 

Aku tak nak Fererro Rocher cake dari Ice Spice tau. Muak.

Aku tak nak bunga tau. Tak suka.

Aku tak nak teddy bear ok. Patung lain boleh.

 

I kept reminding them until they said, "Ko bajet kitaorang nak buat surprise untuk ko lah?"

 

They got me a cheese cake from Barista, they didn’t bother buying me flowers and Aida got me a frog plush toy. Ahaks. I memang muka tak malu. What to do

 

So to my housemates and ex-housemates; Naned, Helwa, A’in, Aida, Balqish, Kina, I LOVE YOU GUYS. Thanks for listening to my demands

 

Like this, next year I can demand much more. Bwahahaha.

 

 

P.S: One of the points of not having Friendster/Facebook accounts is to see who remembers. So.. for those who are close to me but forgot to wish me, don’t bother. Belated wishes aren’t accepted

Ah sungguh bosan

I was just trying to enjoy the fact that I could sleep in without setting the alarm this morning when,

 

“NISAAAAA, BANGUNNN. JOM MAKAN NASI LEMAK.”

 

Suara A’in sungguh bingit =_=

 

When will my housemates learn that I would rather sleep than eat? I don’t even bother waking up for sahur during Ramadhan hueh. And I don’t have any passion for nasi lemak. We Sarawakians aren’t obsessed with the dish, thankfully.

 

But I woke up nevertheless.

 

 

Rice early in the morning, no thank you. A sip of Pepsi would do just fine.

 

Since I was already awake, I decided to tackle my wardrobe *argh* My housemates beristighfar at the state of it.

 

 

From this,   to this  .

 

They’re looking much better now thank you very much >_<

 

Spending my afternoon making steamed veggies with mushroom sauce with Mimi for Habi’s suprised party. Terasa diri ini hebat. When I offered to do it, I actually didn’t have any clue =_= I just knew about it since it’s a signature home dish. Without Mimi, I’d be dead. DEAD I tell you.

 

 

 

 

And then I went…

KINAAAAAA, CAMNE NAK POTONG CAULIFLOWER??

 

 

KESIAN MIMI WAS BULLIED INTO HELPING ME. Tu lah. Cakap besar kat Effa lagi =_=

 

And oh yeah, I hate veggies. So I didn’t eat them. I only suggested it because it was simple to make

 

 

Budak Kecik Gemuk was bored because all my housemates were not in.

 

 

Berboria dengan Mimi. Ok, it was actually a coincidence.

 

 

Deciding it was boring to go home just to sit in front of the laptop, we went to JP Park to feed the fish. Right.

 

 

They’re so huge! Yikes. Look so gross.

 

 

Mimi’s the most health conscious among us >_<

 

 

And I’m putting gambar gedik A’in up coz she woke me up!

 

 

 

 

 

Sayang A’in

Venting out

There is only one thing I am most possessive over.

My life.

To still possess the present and the future.

 

But if I were asked to trade it for my parents’ happiness, I would. I live for God, I live for my parents. And I live lastly for myself.

 

Because I know even if the whole world stood against me, my parents are the two sole people who would still believe in me. They are the two people I could always rely on when others failed me. In every step I take, in everything I’ve achieved, those are rightfully theirs. Their trust means everything to me. To loss that hurts.

 

All I ask is for them to understand. All I ask is for them not to doubt me.

 

I might seem carefree. I might blog about all my outings and none about my studies. But I never once forget my priorities. Maybe I should have read more, studied more, pushed myself harder but I’ve done what I could.

 

Compared to other courses, 3 subjects might seem little, might appear easy. But it’s not. I am not making excuses but I could only memorise as much, my brain could only store that much and my body has its limits. Overtime, I get sick of memorising, it makes me crave for English and Math. I don’t think anyone other than medicine students could understand the burdens.

 

When I did badly in a paper, the first thing that crossed my mind would be, “How do I tell my parents this?”

I am afraid to hear the hopes in their voices. I am afraid of letting them down more than anything else. I am afraid of betraying the trust they had given me.

 

I am always afraid that sometimes it feels like a burden. Sometimes I feel its hard to live up to my parents’ expectations. It’s hard having to always compete and being compared. 

 

I am trying. To be accused otherwise behind my back by those I thought would know me better than anyone else stings. It hurts.

 

Why is having fun is considered as having too much fun? Why must every minute I spend doing something else should be used to study instead? I could not do that. I could not sit for 6 papers and not vent out. Should I start reporting the days I spend at the library from now on? Probably that would make people think, “Oh. Look. She studies. Wow.”

 

Come to India, take my course, adapt to my routine and sit for the tests. Maybe you could do better. Because I’ve given my best and this is all I have.

 

This is all I have.

Health issues

I’ve finally gotten my hands on some of the face masks. Ganesh jugak yang ada jual mask. Humph.

 

They only had 13 masks. So I grabbed 7, Tasha grabbed 6. For my housemates and friends.

 

 

  

 

 

Sorry Mum, I couldn’t find any N95 or 3M here. It’s difficult enough to find the normal ones. Mask pun dah canggih now. Macam macam.

 

 

 Eyebags that now seem permanent =_=

 

 

And I actually wore it in public ok mum. Got photo proof ok.  Dah. All requirements were met. You can stop worrying now

 

 

Another of my purchase today is this:

 

 

 

Those are Ginko laloba. Jinko loba. Whatever its name is. It increases the blood circulation thus supplying more blood to the brain. And more supply of oxygenated blood to the brain makes you alert.

 

It’s made from herbs so it wouldn’t give any side effect. The dosage is only one pill per day. If you took more than that, you’re prone to get hypertension.

 

I know they’re tablets. But I’m desperate. I’d happily take 5 tablets at one go if they could make sure I wouldn’t fall asleep.

 

Red Bull didn’t work. Nor did Nescafe. Or Pepsi. Or strong chilled Brrista coffee from Barista.

 

2 last papers on Monday. One last subject.

 

Biochemistry, I do not wish to see you next year. Nor ever.

Everywhere you look, there’s death. So what.

 

I HATE ALL INDIA’S DRIVERS.

 

India’s. Not Indians. Please get that right.

 

If they don’t bother to follow the traffic rules, then there’s no need make any. Tak payah nak sibuk-sibuk letak police with cowboy hats kiri kanan jalan and act all civilised.

 

Bodoh.

 

Before this I accepted the whole road-drivers phenomena as a part of their ways here. Ok, fine lah. But yesterday’s scene pissed me out completely.

 

 

A double-yellow line is a painted marking between opposing sides of a highway. It usually indicates a no-passing restriction. That means any vehicle from the opposing side is not permitted to cross over to the other side. No, not even when there’s no car.

 

In case the double-yellow line has sections where one of the lines becomes dashed, it indicates that the drivers traveling on the dashed side may pass when traffic permits.

 

Yes, I’ve suddenly became an expert in traffic laws  =_=

 

That’s the case in most countries worldwide.

 

Here in Bangalore though, the double-yellow line functions as two parallel streaks of yellow paint slabbed in the middle of the roads. An opposing-side highway doubles as a one-way highway. Sukati mak bapak diorang nak cross over to the other side.

 

Yesterday when I was crossing the road, I stood on the double-yellow line waiting for the traffic to clear before I could cross to the other side. Both sides of traffic were heavy.

 

I saw a truck coming down the road. Not the cute three-wheel truck, the large angkat pasir punya truck. The truck was way beyond the double-yellow line, it took practically half of the opposing lane.

 

I did a double take to see whether I could retreat back to the other side. Cars were coming from the other way. Not possible. And it’s not possible to cross to the other side either.

 

I saw no way out. And I froze in the middle of the road.

 

The truck could very well go back into its lane since there were no cars beside it at that time. But the driver thought it would be amusing to pass as close to me as possible. The gap between the truck and me was only a hand’s breadth away.

 

I was scared all right. I was so scared that I closed my eyes amidst the traffic.

 

And when I opened them, I saw the Indian workers sitting at the back of the truck glanced back at me and laughed. Yes, they were laughing. I guess it’s pretty funny to scare the shits outta someone who really thought she’s gonna die there and then huh?

 

Haha. Very funny. Not. I swear, if I had a gun at that time, I would have shot each and one of them. Ok, I probably won’t but you get the gist.

 

They probably didn’t know that when a vehicle passes, there’s a force that pulls you toward it. The bigger the vehicle, the bigger the force. The smaller you are, the easier you get sucked by that force. That’s one of the reasons kids are major victims of road accidents.

 

I really don’t blame them for not knowing physics. Really.

 

But I do pity them for being uncivilised. I pity them for having such boring lives that even something like that could be amusing. And I pity them for being outrightly stupid.

 

Fuckers.

 

 

H1N1

 

I was never a fan of global issues. Not about politics. Nor about epidemics. I seriously couldn’t be bothered. But now I couldn’t continue acting as if H1N1 doesn’t exist.

 

Yeah, I’m that ignorant.

 

My parents have repeatedly asked me to take precautions since the death toll in Malaysia has been pretty high. I repeatedly assured them that Bangalore had no such cases. I even looked up on the net of why I didn’t need to wear a mask.

 

But of course, with a population of 1.15 billion people, it’s impossible for India not to get caught in the disease.

 

So it’s not shocking when the news reported of Bangalore’s first H1N1 death yesterday.

 

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/news/city/bangalore/Bangalore-records-its-first-H1N1-death/articleshow/4892185.cms

 

Because of that, my friends were obsessively looking for face masks today. We went to a couple of pharmacies, including M.S Ramaiah’s but none of them sold any.

 

 

 

A pharmacy told us they’re hard to find because of  limited supply of face masks in India.

 

In Malaysia boleh dapat tepi jalan for RM 2.50, in India it’s limited.

 

Nonsense.

 

To be blunt, I’m shocked that the government doesn’t seem to be taking any precaution towards h1N1. Especially with the large number of people and the level of hygiene here.

 

If someone as ignorant as I could be worried, shouldn’t they?

Slow enough songs

This is for

 

Deeba, A’in and Aida who complained I listened way too loudly on my Ipod that they could hear the songs across the table in the library even with their earphones on.

 

Mimi who accused my phone’s ringtone (Kodou by Dir En Grey) could give people heart attack. FINE.

 

Nanet who asked me how I could study while listening to rock songs.

 

This is a break from the usual deafening bass, drums and screamo.

 

 

I guess most people already know them from One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl and 90210 Ok lah, series are not really my type of shows. Malas nak ikut. An exception for Gossip Girl though.

 

They’re an indie/alternative rock band based in LA. My favourites are well, should I say all? Hehe.

 

 

 

On far left, Chad Wolf. The lead singer.

 

 

Ok. NEXT!

 

 

Another well-known alternative rock band from Dublin, Ireland. Ireland. Teringat Westlife. Can you believe I used to be a die-hard-fan of Westlife way back in primary 6???  …… ….. ….. =_=’

 

I don’t like We Cry, If You See Kay (haha), Rusty Halo much but I love the rest of their songs.

 

 

Both of these bands released their first singles in 2008. Last year. Baru lagi.

 

Somehow they have this calming effect on me. The feeling I get when I walk along the street on my way to drum class eating ice-cream from Baskin Robbins.

 

Well, I gotta love their music

 

And I gotta show my love towards Physiology now because the final paper is tomorrow. Gaga.

 

 

P.S: Sometimes I wonder why some people even bother to open their mouths. They say it’s Freedom Of Speech. Whatever. Freedomofspeech all you want. You’re still an ass to me.