Through the tears

For the first time, she cried. I didn’t know for what reason. Nobody knew. I stared for quite some time. Just watching and waiting. She smiled at me. I smiled back. Then she sat and did her usual stuff. I thought she was fine. We all thought so. Not when I saw the tears welling in her eyes. Not until I saw her secretly wiped those tears away. Biting her lips, she was still smiling. Smiling and crying silently at the same time. I wondered how she could still see. I wondered what’s going on through her mind. I will never know. I did what I was best at. I kept my silence. I wondered what could make her cried. Of all the years I’ve known her, she was a strong person. Stronger than me even. Yet now, she’s alone in her silence. In a way I’d never imagined. I didn’t dare asking. I couldn’t. Couldn’t even imagine what might have hurt her. I had my suspicions, but that’s it.
I wanted to ask whether she’s fine. I wanted to make sure she’s okay. Even then, something about her attitude told me otherwise. That if I asked her those questions, I would get the answers I’d expected. The way she’s acting…it’s like she wanted everyone to think things were as normal as ever. She didn’t want any question asked. She didn’t want anyone to know. She’s still her, just not quite. For once, I could see she’s tired. I could see the lines on her face, aged by years in a short period of time. Her cheeks weren’t flushed, her eyes weren’t bright. I wanted to shake her back to her sense. I wanted her to snap out of her problems and faced reality. The world she’s living in. Did she even notice that?
Then one day, I saw her cried. Really cried. Something I’d never witnessed before. She was alone in her room, hugging a pillow. Using it to muffle any noise she’s making. I really thought of entering the room to comfort her before I changed my mind; she wouldn’t want anyone to realise that. Maybe it’s a good thing, I don’t know. Giving in to the grief she unsuccessfully tried to hide. In the end, it came to this.

With laughter. With Smiles. Always.

When a person dies, a door shuts but with one closed door, opens up a lot more for others. We realised that life is temporary. We learn to treasure what we have. We analyse things with more care. For once, we are finally able to hear and see.

In every of my down, I found ups. When I gained something, I lose the other. In one mistake, I learned lessons worth for life. I couldn’t have everything in life, that I realised. I couldn’t help making errors and mistakes along the way and that’s okay, because that’s how life was destined to be but sometimes, just sometimes, I couldn’t help asking myself whether I could undone what’s done because a mistake isn’t a mistake unless it can’t be repaired. That’s what I thought yesterday. That was the question that kept whirling in my head but today, something else hit me; do I want it to be repaired? Is it worth it, to lower my pride, to shake off all the doubts and just act…hoping for the best? When I know somewhere in my heart it’s pointless.

Yes, I want it to be repaired but I don’t want to end up repairing it alone. It is worth it for the sake of the past but what’s past can’t be the future. Even after all that, I find myself not wanting to do it. In the end, I’m the one who remembers. In the end, I’m the one who cares and in the end, I’m the one who’ll get hurt again. Those are not what I want. Like a VASE, it’s fragile. When it breaks, it can be mended. A mended vase however is full of cracks. It doesn’t have the smooth surface it once had. I don’t want a mended vase.

What’s written can be unwritten. What’s painted can be erased. It just shows that nothing’s permanent. People changed. The world changed. Thus our views on things aren’t the same anymore. Everything’s different. That’s the way the world goes. That’s the way life works.
I am not a quitter. I don’t do jobs halfway. But I do know when to quit. I do sense it when all my hard work is going to be wasted. Quitting doesn’t mean you’re giving up. Quitting is knowing when to stop and I guess, I’m quitting =) I can’t cling to the past forever. I can’t spend my days asking, worrying and wondering. I’ve done what I could. I’ve spend huge chunks of my days just trying to figure everything out. Everything links. When I’m cold, I would find ways to warm myself. When I cry, I would find ways to smile. There’s no reason why I couldn’t do the same now. I got myself into this mess in the first place. That’s my fault and I’m the one to blame. I’ll get myself out of it as well.

Whatever happens, I try not to judge people. When it comes to human, it’s too subjective. We can be nice when we want. Yet the next time we’ll be shouting and banging on tables. We act differently towards different people. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to fathom out someone because you’ll never know. If this is what it seems, then let it be. In the end when we look back, we’re the one who made the choices. They don’t have to be the right ones. There’s no question about that here. It’s the fact that you got yourself in control. It’s the fact that you managed to mend things however the turnout turns to be. How you mend it is up to you.

At last, I’m able to smile. Not an evil smile. Not a fake smile. Not a sarcastic smile. But a sincere smile that comes from my heart.

Just A Smile

A heart-shape balloon caught in the stream of sunlight. It sat there on the tiles by itself, all alone. Glowed in the darkness. It was so beautiful I couldn’t resist snapping a picture xD

And while I stood there, just watching, I realised no matter how nasty I found life was- if I could make an effort to pause for a while and observed, I might notice these things. Little, bits of things that I would normally walk by without a second glance. Amazing things that could score a person’s day =)

I was about to write a post on how stupid I’ve been lately. How everything sucked. How my life was like waves in the sea, when this question strucked me;

Since when am I such a quitter?

What happened to the person who’s heavenly =P stubborn?

What happened to the girl who would never give up until she got what she wanted?

What happened to the hard-headed ass who was willing to argue long into the night just to get her points across?

And…I realised I didn’t know. What happened to me? So I’ve been feeling tired nowadays. So life has been a rollercoaster. So things are pretty low at the moment. So what?

I need to knock some sense into myself.

Why do people say things they don’t mean?

Why do people make others believe things are permanent when they intend it to be temporary?

Haha. The WH questions. I might as well cover them all, lol. Who, when, how. Sheesh.

Imperfect Happiness

Life’s never perfect.
There’ll always be ups and downs.
Those’re what created life.
Expect the most wonderful things
To happen, not in the future
But right now.
Realise that nothing is too good.
When needed, leave the unhappiness behind.
Pick up your courage,
and move on…
To a brighter side.
There’ll always be a bright side,
Among that lot of darkness.
Believe me.

=)

Love, from Nisa.

I’ve finally come to my SENSES.

To Effa, thanks for the lecture. Miss Blog? Erks, watergirl. Lol.
To Terence, thanks for the words of encouragement.
To Lala and Fara, thanks for analysing.
To Ct and Jo, thanks for your guys’ concern.
To those who did so, thanks for doing those.
People so know when to make me lose my appetite. Since I’m already chubby =)

Because if it weren’t for you guys,

I won’t be eating right now xD

Yesterday’s breakfast + lunch + tea + dinner all compressed into an instant paratha (which I made myself proudly because my maid’s asleep, hehe).

I’ve experienced my share of pain. Hurt. Whatever you want to call it. Those shits But, you know? At least it came with an ending. Not a proper one. But an ending nevertheless.

Ugly memories turned beautiful.
Hurtful words are appreciated.
Attitudes are forgiven.
I learned to forgive.

Yes, I walk slowly now. Step by step. Path by path. One foot at a time. Because I’m afraid of falling and tripping. Again. But like someone told me before, if you fall, you get up. Bruised and scarred from the past, but nonetheless, ready to brave your life once again. That’s what I’m doing. I’m trying to get up. I’m trying to learn to take risks. I’m trying to learn not to be afraid.
I’m learning the early lessons of life. Look right ahead. Glance to my left and right. To the trees. To my clouds. To Mr. Sun. Kicking the twigs along the way. And not another glance spare to the past.

I just want to be myself again =)

Crackos

Yesterday was fun fun fun. And erks, weird. Just a bit of that though.

Anyway….

Went to Lala’s house at 10.00 am. Arrived there at 10.11 am actually. That’s because I knew the others would be late AS USUAL. Guess what? I was the first one there! I so know my friends, haha. Then me and Lala went to Boulevard to buy some stuff for our Laksa Sarawak. No fresh coconut milk. But she bought the instant one just in case. Went to another shop. No fresh coconut milk. It’s as if Miri had run out of it. Bluekkk. So we went back to her house. And get this, still no sign of Effa and Fara. Hmm hmm hmm. We decided to start preparing the dish without them. Nearing 12 pm, the princessess arrived, lol. Trust Effa to ask me to come at 10 am. But even after 1 and a half hour, lunch still wasn’t ready. So we did this, did that. Laughed, made dumb jokes, teased Effa (oh yeah) and of course, prepared lunch. At last at 1.30 PM, lunch was ready. And that’s with the four of us in the kitchen…

We ate ate ate while complaining how hot the paste was. I drank 2 glasses of water and still my laksa wouldn’t finish. Effa’s nose got red. Everyone was sniffing and had to get tissue. Except for Lala. She didn’t even touch her drink. So not fair! Then we had desert. This milk + jelly pudding which Effa didn’t like- the dairy hater- but which me and Fara adored. FYI, we made the desert as well. Um, you know, there was some spilling and stuff..ok,that’s me. Lala did fine. Hoho. After lunch, to which Effa and Fara claimed they had 1 and a half bowl of laksa, not TWO, we just sort of sat there, stuffed and bloated like pythons, listening to Lala’s mum about her trip to Crocodile Farm that morning, which according to her was a nightmare. The snakes. Lol. Then Lala’s sister asked us whether we wanted to join them to PC Fair. We agreed. We went by Effa’s car, but with Lala as the driver. Welcome to the amateur world. The first 2 minutes was bumpy and we ended up laughing in the car. Going to Fara’s house first since she wanted to change, “I never wore a skirt in public before!” And of course, we passed by my house and I went, “Oooh, my house!”. Because I was really missing it having stayed at Gran’s place for 4 days. Then Fara had to make this suggestion which made Lala parked in front of another person’s house so we could think about it. This suggestion of hers? “Nisa, why don’t you use your house’s toilet while they drop me at my house. After I’ve changed, we’ll pick you up,” I was, GET OUT. I could hold it. I wouldn’t die because of that. SHEESH. But Fara was totally adamant about it. Being a doctor’s daughter, she went into a full lecture about how it’s not good bla bla bla. The others totally agreed and Lala reversed and send me home so I could pee. See how funny that sounded girlfriends? Because I refused to use the toilet at Lala’s house since they’re no slippers to use in the toilet and Fara wasn’t sure whether her house’s got them. Slippers I mean. Lol. After that, they picked me up and we went to Indoor Stadium where the event was held. It was packed! Totally packed! We couldn’t walk a few steps without bumping into someone we knew. I think we greeted people more than we browsed around.

Scoop of the day:

We met the MIAA (according to Effa. Where did you get that girl?) guy way back from primary school. He’s the MIAA guy because he’s ultimately missing in action. Like no one knew anything about him. At all. After a while we greeted him (because nobody dared to) and had an awkward conversation. I blame you Lala =)

Fara was waiting for her batteries- that’s the real reason she wanted to go there in the first place. Because she wanted to pick up her batteries since she bought the digi camera the day before- and the salesman said they’re on their way. After that we just sort of milled around. Lala went back with her family but we stayed. The batteries. Then we saw a couple of chairs at the side and we decided to sit because there’s just so many people. We sat. We talked. And talked. And talked. Then Effa said, “Why are we talking about these stuff in public?? We should find a cafe or something,”. So we picked up Fara’s batteries and went to Desserts and ordered and talked a lot more.

” Ey, I’m gonna take your guys’ picture. Candid,” Right, candid. But she told us. We were talking anyway so we ignored her. So yea, so-called candid.

Greedy Effa. That’s the whole point of taking that picture. It was intended to be that way, lol. Still, love her anyway.

After that we send Fara home because it’s almost 6 pm already. Then we went to my gran’s house. Where I packed my stuff. Where Effa took pictures of my pillow hug. She is so dead. Even though I totally owe her one. Then she send me home. Another day had ended =)

Breathing

I think I might survived through this. Despite the lack of sleep. Despite the lose of appetite. Despite the extra-tripping. I might just.
I am a sponge. And a sponge, does what it does best. It soaks all the pain. Heavier. But it still bounces. Here and there. Elastic. But it never breaks.
I am not a human. Human is fragile. Human breaks down. Human cuddles on it’s bed and cries itself to sleep. Human builds up hopes just to have them crushed. Human plans for something that will never come true. Human hurts.
But if Human dies, people lament over it.
If Sponge’s wearing thin, people tossed it into the bin.
And buy a new one.

표준의, 모범적인

Quiet and still. Just the way I like it xD

Don’t feel like sleeping yet. So here I am. Typing away. If I could find something to type. I don’t know, haha. Still chatting though. With my + sot sot + friend who’s still awake. Everyone else’s already sleeping cozily on their bed. Maybe. Who knows. Who cares.

Anyways, the plan to go to school today was cancelled. Since Ct’s going to Bintulu and Asy may go to Kuching the next day. So without them both, there’ll only be the 3 of us. I would say we’re not brave enough to face the teachers. I know I’m not. I still don’t dare to face Mdm. Chai up to this day because of my 2A. Yep. I promised her an 1A. So..yeah. You get the picture ^^ There’s still next week though. Kolej won’t go anywhere. It’s been there for 50 years! God knows it wouldn’t move. Haha. That is if there won’t be another landslide. Or if the buildings won’t crumbled before they could rebuild them. Lol. But still, I love that place.

I was planning to watch 1 Litre of Tears again tonight. Wanted to finish episode 9 to 11. But then I decided I didn’t need to bawl my eyes out late at night. Or early in the morning. I so have to thanks Terey for introducing it to me, hehe. I mean, it’s the only series I could stand watching. Without forwarding. Or skipping scenes. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned that to him

Well, I was never good at complimenting and apologising. Or accepting those. The other day, I made muffins. And yesh, they looked and tasted like muffins – especially for those who doubt my baking skills. Not that I’ve many. And yes Terey. Your name is on top of the list – So Dad ate one of them and I happened to poke my head out of my bedroom at that time. Okay, that was a lie. Forgive me. I did that on purpose since I wanted to know what he thought of my muffins. When he saw me, he said, ” Your cake tasted nice.” Then I looked at him pointedly and replied, ” Dad. They’re muffins.” He looked confused, ” What? “. So I repeated, ” They’re muffins.”. Then he said, ” Oh, your muffin was great. You should make them again,”. I just stared at him, withdrew my head and shut the door. Unbelievable! Lol.

WHY ARE THE CLOCK’S HANDS MOVING SO SLOWLY? The last time I checked, it was 2.40 am. Now it’s only 3.06 am. 26 minutes! That’s how long I’ve spend on babbling! Well, not exactly the clock. It’s a digital one. And it doesn’t have any hand right? Just wanted to sound dramatic. Hehe. For some reason, I’ve a problem at reading the clock. I mean, I know how to but I’m impossibly slow at reading them. When people asked me what time it was, I just shoved my watch under their noses. Wouldn’t want them to get the time wrong would we? Haha. I bought the analogue one because, you know, the digital one would look childish. And I was in no mood to be labelled that. What the heck, my friends still knew I was bad at reading it. Now the watch belongs in it’s original place- in it’s case. School’s over. No point in wearing it. I hate wearing it anyway. Dusty and all, tata.

I was thinking, you know, to do something stupid tonight. I’m always doing that nowadays. Played in the rain in the afternoon. There was nothing else to do anyway. Just thinking of going outside now. Wandering around in the dark. Or just sit in the middle of the road or something. Not like there’ll be any car at this time. But, urm, I’m scared. Haha! I don’t have enough courage to do that. Maybe someday I’ll wake Ct up and ask her to join me in the middle of the night. Besides, two is better than one right?

WHEN WILL IT BE 4 AM??

恨み

If I shouted at the sky and asked it to pour rain, would it rain?
Of course not.

The day has been gloomy ever since morning but it never rained. Okay, it did. But only for a while. It’s like watching someone being moody all day but wouldn’t say anything that bothers him or her. And you feel like shouting at that person. Yeah, that’s how it is. Did nothing much today. Been clinging 24/7 to my pillow hug again. I don’t know. I tend to do that a lot nowadays. Dragging my pillow hug with me everywhere I go I mean. And accidently leaving it in inappropriate places till my mum bising

Bising! My first malay word in here! But I guess it’s necessary.

Anyways, I wrote 8 pages in my diary last night. Broke my old record! Lame, I know. Wrote for almost 2 hours I guess. Since there’s nothing to do. I’ll have to buy a new diary soon since there’re only 13 pages left. I counted 5 days worth of writing? I think so. I checked in Popular and Parkson before and they didn’t have any nice diary. Bother. I always buy mine there. As I’ve said before, I don’t like changes. Even in little things. There are certain stuff I get bored over easily, but that’s it.

My mum spend her day baking buns and bread. They looked like bread and tasted like one. Despite the different ingredients and names and shapes. Reminds me of humans. In the end, we remain what we are. Just humans. Weak, fragile and useless. I just…want to get away from here now. Away from this place. From the boredom. From the so-called friends. Leave this place and never face any of them again. Won’t that be nice? That’s my fairytale now.

It’s amazing wherever you go you only hear about how nice friends are, friends are like chocolate yada yada yada. Where did the nasty parts went to? Maybe on a long vacation or something. Or maybe they just forgot to mention them. Because that’s a part of reality. Those’re the facts. They should say friends are like chipsmore. One time they’re there. The other time they’re gone. I know I’m talking crap, but that can happen. Maybe it already did. There’s nothing more permanent than being hurt by your friends. Enough said about that.

My parents were talking about my brother just now. He’s in form 5 now by the way. The usual stuff. Grades, tuitions etc.. PHYSICS. So mum said, “Madam Chai’s very good. Look at Yazid. He didn’t need to go to tuition last time AND he got 1A for physics,”. Hearing that, I snapped at her, “Even if you had 10 teachers teaching you, you still wouldn’t score in it if you’re not interested.”
I got both of the best teachers yet my physics still sucked. No need to rub it in. I know I’m stupid.

I don’t know myself. I don’t know the people around me. I don’t know what’s happening anymore. I don’t know to whom I should confide in. I don’t know whether I should laugh my head off. I don’t know whether I should break down and cry. I don’t know anything. I’m hopeless.

p/s: Hatred. Pain. Resentment. Welcome to my life *hugs*

Right Ahead

Sometimes I wonder.

Who’s the one who has changed?
Whose fears are greater?
Who ignores?
Who distrusts?
Who doubts?
Who pretends?
And
Who keeps the distance?

I couldn’t answer all those.